My Problems

After over two years at Cambridge, not much has changed. My old friends are still just the same people they always were - despite any new found confidence they may have, and despite how much they've tried to change themselves to fit in to whatever fantasy they think their new friends want them to fulfill. It comes to mind that this is a good thing - that change, at least in people, isn't always an improvement.

I've decided that maybe changing ourselves - even just a little bit - could do more harm than good. I've decided that I've been trying too hard over the past couple of years - not trying too hard to make people like me, or to seem more confident - just trying too hard to stay myself, to retain some kind of identity. And it's that, not anything else, that has got close to changing me.

It's often the little things that make you realise the big things to change in your life. Like being told that you've hurt someone without even noticing. Or opening up to someone only to realise they know exactly how you've been feeling all along. It's like waking up from a dream you've been trying to keep going without knowing why. If you're lucky, you'll realise you don't want to dream again. Not just yet.

So, now that I've awakened, I'm not going to try so hard to dream. I'm going to stop worrying about staying me, and enjoy being me. All my imperfections, all my little faults. All of my problems.

I doubt many people will notice the difference. But I will.

My Day of Judgment

I think that it's often the small things that change your perspective on life. Like waking up in the morning to beautiful sunshine and realising life actually isn't all that bad. Unfortunately, sometimes things happen the other way. Like taking risks to help someone out - only to find the risk was too great.
Sometimes, however much you try to look out for other people, the bad things will still happen. The only problem is, I have it in my mind that it's karma biting us on the ass. It isn't. Nor is it fate, or the gods, or even luck for that matter. It's just the way things have to be.
I guess the important thing is to stop fighting the idea that it isn't worth doing anything to help, and to understand that things do balance themselves out. Although you can't stop bad things from happening, if you try to do good things, then eventually the good things will win out over the bad. Maybe someone will notice - maybe they won't.
Maybe they'll only remember the bad things - the time wasted, the tears shed, the hearts broken. Maybe the good things aren't noticed at all, because they've been done without anyone noticing. But it will never change the fact that the intentions were good. And that's all that matters, I guess. Whether there is a Day of Judgment at the end of this all or not, every day should be our own. And guess who's judging?

Let this be my day of judgment.