My Problems

After over two years at Cambridge, not much has changed. My old friends are still just the same people they always were - despite any new found confidence they may have, and despite how much they've tried to change themselves to fit in to whatever fantasy they think their new friends want them to fulfill. It comes to mind that this is a good thing - that change, at least in people, isn't always an improvement.

I've decided that maybe changing ourselves - even just a little bit - could do more harm than good. I've decided that I've been trying too hard over the past couple of years - not trying too hard to make people like me, or to seem more confident - just trying too hard to stay myself, to retain some kind of identity. And it's that, not anything else, that has got close to changing me.

It's often the little things that make you realise the big things to change in your life. Like being told that you've hurt someone without even noticing. Or opening up to someone only to realise they know exactly how you've been feeling all along. It's like waking up from a dream you've been trying to keep going without knowing why. If you're lucky, you'll realise you don't want to dream again. Not just yet.

So, now that I've awakened, I'm not going to try so hard to dream. I'm going to stop worrying about staying me, and enjoy being me. All my imperfections, all my little faults. All of my problems.

I doubt many people will notice the difference. But I will.