My Insecurity

I realised when I woke up this morning (at 11:48, must have been the beer) that I am attracted to people who seem confident, but are actually quite insecure. This applies especially to the girls I have been romantically attracted to, but I might as well say the same about a lot of my close friends. It didn't take me long to realise that this is probably because I have tried to act in a similar way since I started university, but it did surprise me to notice that when I started being friends with the aforementioned people, I knew nothing of their insecurities. I've always been a fairly good judge of character, and I don't often have to change my opinions of people (although a few examples do spring to mind), but I seem to have a blind spot when it comes to traits which I share with those around me. Or at least, I don't immediately think "oh, this person's like me in such-and-such a respect".

I imagine most of my friends have noticed my lack of self-confidence, despite my best efforts to hide it. To those who don't know me very well, some of my ways of hiding it are not particularly endearing. Particularly my occasional obsession with work (although this isn't entirely a cover!), my occasional shows of 'confidence' (you could read this as arrogance, but that isn't often the case - and the cases when it is, I spend a good few days unable to sleep afterwards) or anger (a once-in-a-four-year event, and usually only apparent when I feel misrepresented). My sense of humour is another perhaps more endearing trait. Well, endearing to some, anyway.

When I write these posts, they're normally things about me that I don't feel I can say to anyone else's face. It puts me in mind of the end of an old Joyce Grenfell song, 'Dear Francois':

Dear Francois, have no fear, I will not fail.
These letters shall not reach you, that I swear.
I write you every year,
But none of my letters ever catch the mail.

Of course, in this case my 'letters' will not reach who they are intended for not because they'll never get sent, but because they will get swallowed up in the great depths on the net. But just as in the days before such things, when letters were written and never posted, now it is similarly cathartic to post these musings somewhere, so that they can be consigned to the box of memories rather than churned through thoughts again and again, late into the night and deep into the soul.

My ups and downs

Well, today has been a bit of a mixed bag. Got my sister's birthday present, submitted supervision reports, did weekly food shopping (or some of it, at least), and listened to some Radio 7 (there has been a little BSG and the fourth episode of the Incredible Human Journey too).

However, work has not been going so well. Again. I have these bouts of good news and bad news. The bad normally comes when I put that extra effort in - which I suppose says something fairly fundamental about research. I should know by now not to get my hopes up after I've only collected some preliminary results - but to be honest I don't think that's going to stop any time soon.

Anyway, to cheer myself up, I went out to buy a bottle of beer. Before returning with my catch, I got accosted by a homeless couple looking for money. They suggested it was for a shelter as their house in Arbury had been burnt down. Suspicious as usual (especially as they were coming from the direction of Strawberry Fair), I nevertheless gave them half what they needed. Never done that before, but they were very polite, so I decided to break my usual rule of giving to charity every time someone in the street asked from money.

Anyway, here I am, back in front of the screen, about to try Duchesse de Bourgogne beer, recommended by Cambridge Wine Merchants. Opening the bottle, I was immediately blasted by a dark oakey, slightly vinegary smell. Now, this is a 6.2% beer, significantly stronger than most (a good reason for the 25cl bottle), so I was expecting a strong aroma, but not quite that strong!

Leaving the bottle for a couple of minutes whilst I wrote this, the vinegary smell faded, leaving that strong woody aroma with wine-like aftertones. Definitely not a normal beer. Tasting the head (which has been growing very very slowly) I was for once greeted with a nice taste, not at all metallic like the vast majority of bottled (and casked, for that matter) ales. Pouring the beer into the glass, the eye is greeted by a beautiful mid-brown colour, whilst the nose again senses the more vinic notes.

I'll say it now; taking that first taste really puts most other beers to shame. Sharp, fizzy, fruity at first, with a light taste considering the strength, gradually replaced by a warm, soft lingering aftertaste, gentle on the palette. I'm not very good at describing tastes, so I'll leave it at this; extremely pleasant, and not at all like other beers I've had the pleasure of drinking. A must try - even if you don't like it!